Culture-Shock Tears in Malta

 

             Depression: A Normal Part of

             Adjustment to Expat Life

 

This is why it’s good to get together on a regular basis with other expats when you live abroad.

This past Friday night a group of expats were relaxing at SJI’s Jazz Bar (see below) which is on Church Street in Paceville.

 

 

The music was nice and not too loud. So I was able to hear when my American expat friend W sat down next to me and said she had been depressed for the past week.  She and her husband have been in Malta for about three months now.  They’re going through the usual hassle of looking for work as non-EU’s, etc.

As usual, the first month or so was exciting and everyday brought something new and wonderful.  But as W found out, that wears off as reality sets in, your money starts to run out and you have to find work and live in a new country.

W misses her young grandson back in the US.  At first, it was enough to see and talk to him on SKYPE. But the past week, she’s become homesick and suddenly wonders what she’s doing in Malta.

I told her what I found to be true for almost every single expat who moves anywhere—not just Malta: first there’s the honeymoon period and then comes the depression. It’s so predictable that’s it’s considered a normal (and necessary) part of culture shock.

Even if things go perfectly—a job right away, friends right away, a great place to live, no trouble with the language—it’s going to happen: the depression.  It can hit you suddenly or it can come on gradually—but it will happen.

It’s a bit easier if you know that it does occur, but it’s still hard. The most important thing is to wait until the depression lifts before deciding what to do.   Some people decide to leave their new country and move back home when depression strikes. This is a bad idea because this is usually a stage. 

If after a year of living in your new country you’re still very homesick and feel like you made a mistake, then perhaps you should consider moving back. But you should wait until the initial depression passes—because it is a normal part of the adjustment. It’s a normal part of the letting-go process of the things and people you’ve left behind on a daily basis.

So, W., I know what you’re going through. Most expats do. And, yes, let’s get together—just you and me—for that cup of coffee this week.

Comments

[Sennuwy (an ancient Egyptian name)]

Words of wisdom, Mary, as always. Sorry you don't get to see your grandchildren as much as you like. On the other hand, there's always a plus I guess somewhere. At least your grandchildren must find a visit to you very exciting and something to look forward to. When I was growing up, I hated the grandmother who lived in my town (I'm trying to remember if there's anyone left who will get offended by this) because she was forced upon me and never learned to really speak English (she was Russian)--and we could never communicate.  However, I adored my grandparents who lived several hours away from me in Brooklyn, NY. It was always a wonderful time when I knew they would visit and when they would visit. We spoke by phone (no SKYPE back then) and they sent me and my brother packages.  I can still see myself opening one. All that chocolate!  And that's what I plan to do with my grandchildren. Again G-d Willing.

[Sennuwy (an ancient Egyptian name)]

Hi Monique--thanks for your honest comment--and sorry about your parents.  One thing I do plan is seeing my children and grandchildren as often as I can (G-d Willing) when I do have grandchildren.

Comment Actions:

[monique]

I think also that nothing can replace family. My parents are out living it up in their retirement years, they have only seen my children once in 6 yrs....when they did come to visit they didn't want to spend time with their own grandchildren....just preferred to take photo's of pigeons instead. I'll be moving to Malta because they value family togetherness....

[Mary Bartolotta]

I guess I'm Italian by osmosis, having been married to one for 46 years. He wasn't born in Italy, but his father was. Definitely a family oriented culture. However, each generation here becomes a little less "Italian" and a lot more "American". We see our grandchildren as much a possible but we all live in different States. No spur of the moment visits. Always planned.I miss that as my children were brought up near their grandparents. My son never came straight home from college. Always a stop at Grandma's first to see what she had cooking or left over in her refrigerator. We certainly have a lonelier life than our parents did. Friends can never fully replace family.

[Sennuwy (an ancient Egyptian name)]

Hi Mib--what beautiful things to say!  (By the way, I have daughters.)  But, Mib, we all make choices and nothing is perfect. In fact, I envy the Italian way of life. If I lived in Italy with my daughters nearby (even in the US they lived far from me), I would never have left the country.  Although this has been an adventure--and I thank G-d everyday that I was able to do it up to this point--I wake up scared every single morning, worried that someday I will be alone when Im old or sick or both.  Im upset that I cant attend some events of my daughters because I may be working then and wont get the time off.  I think what you wrote was important, Mib, because it shows that we all want something else in our lives than we are usually given.  So, Mib, listen to what Im saying and dont feel so bad about your situation--Ilene (BTW, I only want Italian food in Malta. Its my favorite food anywhere and I always order the same Italian dishes  no matter where I go!)

Comment:

[Mib]

hallo Ilene!
You usually write about people having grandsons and, even you, have grown up sons...
I Never tought that people of a "certain age", I mean around 45-50, would ever think about to expat and start a brand new life in another country thousands miles away from their hometown. I mean, I ever believed it suitable for " young people". No Italian at all would do such a thing. When you're 50 and near the pension time, you have grown up sons and grandsons and, here is more than common, you have your old mum or dad to keep an eye on. Here families live very close ( the generations, you know, grandparents, parents, childs and whatever relative)...
it sound so strange to me and.. I envy it.
Because here we are stuck on this tradition, this way of life, and we suffer a kind of "immobility"...
Italian people barely moves, we want to eat italian even in thailand!
We're scared of change...we are old even if we're young...
and I envy people like you and your expat friends that have had the bravery, the energy, the desire of start again. People like you will certainly age, may be, but will never "become old inside"... ( it's a strange concept to translate, hope you'll understand... it's like "you'll add life to years and not years to life")

[Sennuwy (an ancient Egyptian name)]

Thanks a lot, Ann, for confirming this.  And I have the feeling that there will always be times--farther between than at the beginning--when we get down and realize what weve done and wonder if it was the right thing to do.  What do you think:?--Ilene

Comment:

[Annmucc]

Some encouragement to your friend...It is a normal rite of passage I think for expats! I didn't know it happens either when I moved to London but after a few months I started finding myself getting weepy at every little thing. It does get better though :). Good luck to your friend!